I made plans today
But then something went wrong.
Late at night, lying in bed
I’m unable to sleep
Still stuck in my head.
I made a mistake
In trying to end suffering,
When living in itself is suffering.
I sought answers from the source,
Thinking I didn’t want to make mistakes.
Forgetting that I am part of the universe
And the universe is a part of me.
So wanting something, not wanting something
These feelings are valid
For they came from me.
How could I have failed to see?
I want to be home
Home in your arms.
Their faces are kind,
But their hearts are too cruel
I can’t trust anyone but you.
So I’m only staying here, waiting for you.
If it’s not self punishment
Then why am I doing the same thing
Over and over and over again?
Standing in the same corner
Watching the same rain
Heart in pain.
You taught me that softness is weakness,
That kindness is sensitive
And sensitive has no place in this world.
But if I can’t feel, then I’m not me
If I can’t be me, then what can I be
So do I have no place in this world?
I sometimes feel like something sinister
Clothed with human skin.
But the dirtiness that I feel,
I know comes from deep within.
Between the sheets of sin.
Some days I’m a little worse for wear.
I imagine it’s like a stone that’s always been in darkness,
Suddenly breaking from the cracks inside.
So the light pierces into corners that has never seen daylight
And all the bugs, insects and worms hidden in these corners
Finally come out.
Out of darkness,
And into the light.
Twisted, convoluted and broken
We come to each other in pieces
Wanting to make a whole.
But all we ever do
Is sink into a dark hole
And wonder why we can’t fix each other like so.
Maybe we’ll always be lost
Like some eggs in the wild that won’t hatch
Or caterpillars that will never turn into butterflies
Maybe we’ll always be 18
Unsure and lonely, seeking a stranger’s touch
So we try with what we have
And that’s all we can ever do
With this moment that we have.